Wednesday, October 22, 2014

My Biggest Mistake

It's hard to admit when you've made a mistake, so it's double hard to write about. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some real "doozies", you could even say. However, as I look back there is one mistake that led to many downfalls for me, and some hardships that maybe I would have avoided. Right after high school, my Mom and Dad got me a job as a nanny in San Antonio. I was excited to have a job that would allow me to go to school at the same time, but I was also nervous and scared. It was a house that was full of contention. They had a son that was my age, and he was angry that I was there. I guess because he realized that their shouldn't be a need for me because he should have been taking care of his little sister, but whatever the reason he made my life miserable there from day one. I was immature and self centered during that time, and very scared. It was the first time that I had been away from home with no family, and even though I knew this family a bit, it was still like living with strangers. I could have made a big difference. I could have been a light. Instead, I let my fears and their sons treatment of me justify me quitting and going back home. I have often wondered where I would be if I had stuck with it. If I had turned to my Savior and asked him how to make my circumstances better. The only positive that I felt that came out of that experience was my friendship with Amy, the daughter that only remembers that I spent a lot of time on the phone instead of playing with her in the evenings. I guess I thought since her parents were home that I wasn't needed. Those phone calls were between me and my now ex-husband. I wish that her memories would have been those walks home from school, or me having fun with her on her karaoke machine that she loved singing on night and day, but I can see why my shut door in the evenings as I escaped feeling insecure by talking to someone who said they wanted to marry me, and made me feel desired. If only I had put down that phone. and stopped thinking about my love life and focused on that little girl who needed me and desired my company. Maybe then I would have found the strength and gotten at least a 2 year degree. Who knows, but it haunts me to this day. I hope she forgave me a long time ago. I have always cared for her, and kept up with her, but never said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for quitting. I'm sorry for giving up. I'm sorry for not making a big difference in your house hold when I could have.".
I am thankful though that I can take away from that experience to never quit something unless you feel that's the way the spirit is leading you. To give people your all, and not your half heart. To not let your fears and insecurities rule you. And when you feel far away from those you love, and feeling needy yourself that the Savior is there for you, and you can feel his and our Heavenly Father's love for you if you just reach out to him, and that love will fill you with comfort and peace. Pictures of my boys and I tubing with Amy just outside of San Antonio. That water was SOOO cold! I do believe by the end of the trip that my booty was numb, Amadeus and Isaac were blue, Amy lost her red hat, and I lost my favorite cover up. Ahhh the memories!

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