Sunday, March 29, 2009

Grieving Awkwardness

So yesterday, we went to a birthday dinner for a friend of ours that had turned the big 40. A couple of the people there know my mom and have spent many years with my Dad in the same ward. It was silly but I was hurt that not only did they fail to ask how my Mom was doing but they failed to offer their condolences. As a matter of fact it seemed to me that they did their best to not bring up either of my parents at all. Which to me felt awkward. During the first weeks of Dad's death and at the funeral. I did my best to avoid the condolences. I didn't want to hear how anyone was sorry about him dying or how he would be missed. I think now that was because I was trying to come to terms and accept that he really was gone. Now I'm at the point that I'm ready to talk others beyond my Mom and brothers and sisters about him. I want to know that we're not the only ones who miss him. I've had dreams that he isn't really dead and will be helping me in the dream to do something. I did that with my grandpa to. I just find myself in moments crying b/c I miss talking to him. I think I call my mom more than ever now to fill the void that is left. I loved going to lunch with him and rolling my eyes at his crotchetiness over the waiters. I loved just going in his office and chatting with him over various things, but especially spiritual milestones in my life. I am soooooooooo thankful that we are all sealed to him and that I know that I will see him again, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him being available for our chats, I miss his presence, his funny stories that we heard so often that we had them memorized. I miss my Dad.
On a lighter note. Last night Douglas and I decided to get dessert at the dinner. We had seen another man and his son sharing the restaurants chocolate mousse cake. And it was huge and looked so moist and yummy. So after telling the lady we didn't want anything, we told her we changed our minds that we wanted one. So next thing we know she's putting one in front of Douglas and then in front of me. That's right, she thought we each wanted one! Douglas told her that was okay. I kept trying to give away bites. But even after I convinced three people to take a bite out of the side I hadn't touched, I could barely notice what would amount to a mouse's nibble. suffice it to say.... next time I'm saying no, it's not okay, you take the other one and go give it to the kitchen help! LOL. was really really good ;)


mE said...

I was listening to a leason two weeks ago and they were telling the story of President Benson's family whispering along "Pray for Dad" at first I thought only of praying for my husband. Then the spirit whispered that I needed to pray for Dad and the work that he is doing now. Needless to say I cried a few more times before the leason was done. I find myself doing that.
The real shock was when I mentioned my frustration with the medical community because of Dad's death... and the woman I was talking to said "I thought he was wrongly diagnosed! and was fine." That ws a shock and the first time I've had to say anything to anyone. I don't like talking about because of comments made before his death. It's probably a pride issue but my greiving is private. I can't let others see it.
Anyway talk to someone who loved him outside the family... I know he was loved... but he did put his family as his first friends so they might not miss him as much...
Hugs, I'm glad you're healing

Little Miss Sunshine said...

Thanks mE.I'm glad I'm not alone :)
See I'm not always sun shiney :P

Pirate Princess said...

At least your grieving. I won't think about it. Can't.